Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead....

I sometimes feel like I don't have a boyfriend because I'm fat.

There. I said it (ok I wrote it) out loud and it looks as stupid as it sounds. Incredibly stupid. If I was talking to someone and they said that about themselves I would straight up punch them in the neck. For serious. No hesitation. I would make sure they were ok (of course - come on - I'm not a monster) and then punch them again - just so they knew how ridiculous they were being.

So then why is it ok to say it to myself? And I say it to myself way more than I want to admit.

People tell me that I'm funny, and smart, and a good person (and beautiful like the sun with the smile of a thousand rainbows.....Ok no one has ever said that...but I wish they would*). So then it's only logical for me to think that I don't have a boyfriend because of the way I look. Haha. "Logical". There is NOTHING logical about it!! It's crazy!! It's the craziest thing to think!! But here I am thinking it.

Now I want to be clear - I'm not writing this for people to say to me "Oh you! You're beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you blah blah blah!!" No I guess i'm writing it so I can read it back and see how silly it sounds. Sometimes it feels nice to write something down so it's out in the open, rather than have it bouncing around my brain every second of the day.

Is there anyone else out there that feels like this sometimes? Or felt like it once but by some miracle you have figured out how to make your brain stop saying silly things? I'd like to know.....So I can come over and punch you in the throat**.

*I would never stop laughing if somebody actually said this to me. And was super serious about it.

**I would never actually punch you in the throat. Maybe pinch you. Or flick you really hard on the top of your hand. That would get the point across I think.

***It is really hard for me to press "Publish Post" on this one. I'm being super for real honest here and it's SCURRY for me to think people are gonna read it. EEEEEEEEK!!

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS

Hey 'member that time I said "I'm gonna make a real commitment to this blog and we are gonna be in love and have tons of blog babies? Then they will fall in love and have tons of babies of their own? Which means I'll be a grandmother to tiny blog/human babies?" I ACTUALLY HALF SAID THAT. Check the transcript.

ARGGGGGHHHHH. It's hard. I think of something I wanna write about and then I think:

1) People have better things to read about than my musings. For example, zombies or casting news from the new Batman movie.

or I think:

2) About zombies or casting news from the new Batman and end up wasting 3 hours of my life on the internet.

Huh. I may be on to something here. I don't go to the gym. Ever. I also spend WAY to much time dickin' around on the computer. Could these 2 things be related?! Hold on, I have to check with the extremely educated scientists that I have on staff........Ummmmm they left a little note saying they'd be right back because they went to read about zombies and Batman.

Frick.

Maybe I could plege to you, my beautiful and handsome readers, that I will go to the gym 3 times this week? I can do that right? Only 3 times.

PS. Check out Bon Iver. He is amazing and his music makes my heart melt.

Dear Angie.....

Hey 'member that time I was all "I'm gonna blog everyday and it's gonna be awesome and I'm gonna figure out all my weight issues in 5 days!"? Yeah, check the transcript I totally said it. Well maybe I haven't quite figured out the whole blogging everyday thing. I gots shit to do! I find I wait til the last possible second to get ready for work and by the time I've figured out my outfit and am ready to take a picture I am pretty much 5 minutes late for work. True story.

I am ready to make a real commitment to this blog. I'm not saying that I am gonna blog everyday. I don't want you guys to get sick of me. I need you. I really need you......it got creepy didn't it? 

As for progress on my "issues" - well I guess it's going ok. I mean I haven't gone to the gym or anything super crazy like that. Don't be ridiculous!! I have been making my own lunches and bringing them to work and I'll be honest - I'm lovin it. The fact that I don't have to worry about where to go and to know that it's a hundred times heathier than crappy Quizno's is awesome. I'm likin a big salad with a veggie burger all cut up - quite deicious. Almost as delicious as an Imperial Cookie. ALMOST.

So baby steps right? Like, seriously tiny infant steps.

They still count as steps right?

Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me...

I haven't posted in a few days. I just felt like I had nothing new to say. There are only so many times somebody can say that they feel fat and that they don't have anything to wear and blah blah blah before it becomes really freakin annoying.

I'll fully admit it. I know there are some people out there who just don't respond when I make mean comments about myself. And I have to say I really appreciate it. It must get really frustrating to always have to say "Oh shush up you're beautiful" instead of "seriously get over yourself - no one cares what you looks like but you".

Isn't that right? Is that what you feel like saying? I know it's what I feel like saying. I'm getting so tired about talking and thinking about my weight. Seriously. 

So I'm gonna stop talking and show you some pics from my work's Christmas party. I didn't get many pictures because let's face it, when I start drinking red wine I don't trust myself with holding a camera. HA!

                                               Me and my beautiful friend Samwise Gamgee.

Our shoes! Mine are the red velvet - thrifted! I'm very excited about these freakin things.

   I once had an ex-boyfriend say that a necklace I wore was the most "obnoxious piece of jewelery" he had ever seen. I'd like to think this ring would top that. It's so freakin GLORIOUS.

Danger Danger! High Voltage!

I think I am getting closer and closer to figuring out my "everyday photo situation". Now I just have to get the camera higher. Nobody looks good when the picture is taken from below. Not even freakin Beyonce. Actually on second thought, if someone showed me a picture of the great Beyonce taken from below and she looked amazing it wouldn't surprise me. SHE CAN DO NO WRONG.


                     I don't know how to stand yet. Do I look like a dolt? Yeah...Kinda dolt-like.

Dress: Target
Cardigan: H&M (When on earth are we getting one in Winnipeg?!)
Tights: Accessorize
Boots: Shoe Warehouse
Necklace: Ardene's


          This photo looks like a GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST! OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I once read an article about Melissa Joan Hart in which she said it was "devastating" to learn that she was someting like 175 pounds. Ok - number one - I would KILL to be 175 pounds. Seriously. And number two - I really think that word "devastating" should be used when you find out about the death of a loved one or that you lost your job. How did being overweight become the absolute WORST thing that could happen to someone?! It's articles like these and all the magazine covers that read "Best Diet Ever!" and "Lose Your Tummy Fat FAST!" and "Seriously?! You Haven't Lost That Fat Yet? How Bout You Lock Yourself in a Room and Never Come Out!!" that make me feel like I am not good enough at my current weight. How do I get past this?

No seriously. I'm asking. I have no idea. Taking pictures of myself everyday and forcing myself to talk about all this ridiculosity is actually making me start to feel better. Oh it's a long freakin road. I get it. I still have to choose to go to the gym and NOT eat 6 mini Imperial Cookies (true story).

But at least I'm on the road at all.

I was going to go to sleep...but then The Hangover was on.

Boots that are as old as I am. They were made up north in Gillam for my Mom.

 The best shot I could get of my outfit. Comfortable for a movie. I heart leggings more than I heart most things in life.

 My kitty. Ah he is one of the loves of my life. Even if he looks like he's desperate to get away.

 My sister and I made "dream boards" last year. I recently reworked mine to add my hopes for this year.

Dang CSI...you get me everytime.

I tried to photograph my outfit today. It was kinda hard. Wait did I say kinda hard? I meant ridiculously hard.

It seems as tho most bloggers have a husband or a boyfriend to take their pictures. Well, alas, I am single. So I tried to take a picture of myself in the mirror but it was blurry and not good. I didn't have enough time to try a self timer as I decided to watch CSI about an hour longer than I should have. Which, in turn, cut my getting ready time in half. It's my own dang fault - I LOVE MY CSI. I'm gonna try again tomorrow. We'll see how that works out!

Oh PS wanna hear my excuse about for not going to the gym today? I didn't wanna wash my hair. Yep. I didn't want to wash my freakin hair. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.......unless CSI is on.

Here goes nothin!

I freakin love fashion blogs. Love em! I could spend hours looking at them . Dreaming about how I would love to own every thing the blogger is wearing. Dreaming about the shoes, dreaming about the skirts, dresses, boots, etc etc etc!! I also find myself thinking "Frick of course these ladies look awesome - they are skinny". Yeah not the healthiest thing to think but I can't help what pops in my head! Just like I can't help it when Andy Samberg pops into my head. Or pizza. Or Andy Samberg eating pizza. Don't judge me - I CAN'T HELP WHAT MY BRAIN DOES!

Anyways I thought I would try blogging my outfits. Maybe there are some curvy girls out there who want to read a blog by another curvy girl.

I don't really like my size (it's apparently honesty time so I'm gonna go with it). There are some amazing women out there that are plus size and they embrace it! They love their curves. These are probably women who take care of themselves and that is the size their body was made to be. Here's the thing (and it actually pains me to write this cuz it's true) - I don't take care of myself. I'm not the healthiest person. I kind of never go to the gym and I really enjoy Junior Mints and pizza. I know (I KNOW!) that I need to make a serious life change or else I am going to be out of breath running up the stairs forever. And that ain't cool. So I'm also going to talk a little bit about how that change is going. It's going to be a hard road. Heck - I am eating Junoir Mints as I write this.

Maybe nobody will even read this but I think it'll be really helpful for me to have a place where my brain can vomit a bit. Yep. I am a classy classy lady.