There will come a time you'll see.....

It's tough being single. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE my alone time. I actually love living by myself. I love sitting on my couch alone after a long day of talking to a lot of people. I love that I can leave my dishes for days sitting by the sink. Or not make my bed ever. Or throw my towels on the floor. Also not having to listen to anybody snore while I'm trying to fall asleep is kinda nice.

I was single for 5 years before I started seeing someone. I treaded slowly. I have been hurt lots of times and although I get right back up (not right away of course. There is lots of crying and eating chips and crying and chips), it's hard to completely forget what it feels like to be broken. Even though you are hanging out with someone who makes you feel amazing there is still that little bugger in the corner of your mind that pops up once and awhile and says "Hey! You're happy? That's cool! Oh PS remember what it feels like to have someone dump you? Remember how it makes your heart hurt and you feel worthless and it will take you a long frickin time to get over that person? Just reminding you have a nice day byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!". We choose to ignore that sonofabitch and forge ahead. Because love is awesome. But fear can get under your skin and make you question everything you thought you were sure of. Fear is a big dumb jerk.

Unfortunately some of us can't ignore that little guy. (I can. Heart break is like a tattoo. Or childbirth. It really hurts at the time and then you forget the pain and go get another one. Or birth another child.) That's why my realtionship ended.

And it suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Hard. Like, so very very hard. I feel like everyone is thinking "Oh that Ashley. She can't seem to keep a guy around. I wonder what's wrong with her? I bet she's crazy!! Like, she seems so normal. I KNOW!! I bet she keeps her toe nail clippings in a box and sings to them each night. What a looney toon. No wonder no one wants to be her boyfriend! Hahahahaha let's go out for cake!". (Ahahaha I just read that back and it made me laugh really hard. I don't really think my friends think that. Ok I'm like, 65% sure they don't think that.)

Someone once told me they think that maybe I fall too hard. I don't know. Maybe. But what fun is it if you don't? I love that rush of learning the amazing things about someone. Like learning their favourite movies are your favourite movies. Learning that they have the same values as you. Oh! How about that bigger rush of learning the not so good stuff and realizing that you still like them or even better, that you still love them. That despite all the baggage that some people bring along you still want to be with them. You're even willing to help them carry that baggage until they are ready to throw it away.

When you are someone like me, who loves in gallons*, you can only give 100%. Even if it hurts me in the process, I can't help but love.

I am slowly making my way out of the crying and chips faze. I am trying to figure out what I like to do. I am not going to wait for someone anymore (well I'm going to try. I can't guarantee that I'm not going to slide into the "feeling sorry for myself" faze once and awhile). I know I like to make jewelry. I like to read. I like to write this blog. I like movies. I like improv**. I like my job and I want to become better at it. So what better time to explore all this stuff than right now? I will never be this age again. I don't wanna look back and be filled regret that I didn't do the things I loved or try new things because I was too sad that I didn't have a boyfriend.

Frick I even watched a beautiful movie about love*** and I felt filled with hope instead of sadness. I know there is someone out there for me. He will be funny and smart and goofy and he will not be able to believe that I want to be with him. He will be blown away by me. Who I am. He will thank his lucky stars every night that I am the one he gets to watch American Dad with. That I am by his side through thick and thin. He will have a hard time believing that I feel the EXACT same way about him.

I guess he's just not ready for me yet. That's cool. I know when I meet him I will totally get why nothing worked out with anyone else.

Until then I shall cultivate a really important and special realtionship; the one with myself.

Ahahaha who am I, Oprah?!

xoxo Ashley

*My boss Sherry said this to me and I thought it was very awesome.

**Come see me and my improv troupe at 8pm on Mondays at the Park Theatre for our weekly improvised soap opera!! Soap Scum Presents...Estate of Affairs - on til June!

***The movie was Like Crazy. Just go watch it. I'll wait here.

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead....

I sometimes feel like I don't have a boyfriend because I'm fat.

There. I said it (ok I wrote it) out loud and it looks as stupid as it sounds. Incredibly stupid. If I was talking to someone and they said that about themselves I would straight up punch them in the neck. For serious. No hesitation. I would make sure they were ok (of course - come on - I'm not a monster) and then punch them again - just so they knew how ridiculous they were being.

So then why is it ok to say it to myself? And I say it to myself way more than I want to admit.

People tell me that I'm funny, and smart, and a good person (and beautiful like the sun with the smile of a thousand rainbows.....Ok no one has ever said that...but I wish they would*). So then it's only logical for me to think that I don't have a boyfriend because of the way I look. Haha. "Logical". There is NOTHING logical about it!! It's crazy!! It's the craziest thing to think!! But here I am thinking it.

Now I want to be clear - I'm not writing this for people to say to me "Oh you! You're beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you blah blah blah!!" No I guess i'm writing it so I can read it back and see how silly it sounds. Sometimes it feels nice to write something down so it's out in the open, rather than have it bouncing around my brain every second of the day.

Is there anyone else out there that feels like this sometimes? Or felt like it once but by some miracle you have figured out how to make your brain stop saying silly things? I'd like to know.....So I can come over and punch you in the throat**.

*I would never stop laughing if somebody actually said this to me. And was super serious about it.

**I would never actually punch you in the throat. Maybe pinch you. Or flick you really hard on the top of your hand. That would get the point across I think.

***It is really hard for me to press "Publish Post" on this one. I'm being super for real honest here and it's SCURRY for me to think people are gonna read it. EEEEEEEEK!!

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS

Hey 'member that time I said "I'm gonna make a real commitment to this blog and we are gonna be in love and have tons of blog babies? Then they will fall in love and have tons of babies of their own? Which means I'll be a grandmother to tiny blog/human babies?" I ACTUALLY HALF SAID THAT. Check the transcript.

ARGGGGGHHHHH. It's hard. I think of something I wanna write about and then I think:

1) People have better things to read about than my musings. For example, zombies or casting news from the new Batman movie.

or I think:

2) About zombies or casting news from the new Batman and end up wasting 3 hours of my life on the internet.

Huh. I may be on to something here. I don't go to the gym. Ever. I also spend WAY to much time dickin' around on the computer. Could these 2 things be related?! Hold on, I have to check with the extremely educated scientists that I have on staff........Ummmmm they left a little note saying they'd be right back because they went to read about zombies and Batman.

Frick.

Maybe I could plege to you, my beautiful and handsome readers, that I will go to the gym 3 times this week? I can do that right? Only 3 times.

PS. Check out Bon Iver. He is amazing and his music makes my heart melt.

Dear Angie.....

Hey 'member that time I was all "I'm gonna blog everyday and it's gonna be awesome and I'm gonna figure out all my weight issues in 5 days!"? Yeah, check the transcript I totally said it. Well maybe I haven't quite figured out the whole blogging everyday thing. I gots shit to do! I find I wait til the last possible second to get ready for work and by the time I've figured out my outfit and am ready to take a picture I am pretty much 5 minutes late for work. True story.

I am ready to make a real commitment to this blog. I'm not saying that I am gonna blog everyday. I don't want you guys to get sick of me. I need you. I really need you......it got creepy didn't it? 

As for progress on my "issues" - well I guess it's going ok. I mean I haven't gone to the gym or anything super crazy like that. Don't be ridiculous!! I have been making my own lunches and bringing them to work and I'll be honest - I'm lovin it. The fact that I don't have to worry about where to go and to know that it's a hundred times heathier than crappy Quizno's is awesome. I'm likin a big salad with a veggie burger all cut up - quite deicious. Almost as delicious as an Imperial Cookie. ALMOST.

So baby steps right? Like, seriously tiny infant steps.

They still count as steps right?

Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me...

I haven't posted in a few days. I just felt like I had nothing new to say. There are only so many times somebody can say that they feel fat and that they don't have anything to wear and blah blah blah before it becomes really freakin annoying.

I'll fully admit it. I know there are some people out there who just don't respond when I make mean comments about myself. And I have to say I really appreciate it. It must get really frustrating to always have to say "Oh shush up you're beautiful" instead of "seriously get over yourself - no one cares what you looks like but you".

Isn't that right? Is that what you feel like saying? I know it's what I feel like saying. I'm getting so tired about talking and thinking about my weight. Seriously. 

So I'm gonna stop talking and show you some pics from my work's Christmas party. I didn't get many pictures because let's face it, when I start drinking red wine I don't trust myself with holding a camera. HA!

                                               Me and my beautiful friend Samwise Gamgee.

Our shoes! Mine are the red velvet - thrifted! I'm very excited about these freakin things.

   I once had an ex-boyfriend say that a necklace I wore was the most "obnoxious piece of jewelery" he had ever seen. I'd like to think this ring would top that. It's so freakin GLORIOUS.