It's tough being single. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE my alone time. I actually love living by myself. I love sitting on my couch alone after a long day of talking to a lot of people. I love that I can leave my dishes for days sitting by the sink. Or not make my bed ever. Or throw my towels on the floor. Also not having to listen to anybody snore while I'm trying to fall asleep is kinda nice.
I was single for 5 years before I started seeing someone. I treaded slowly. I have been hurt lots of times and although I get right back up (not right away of course. There is lots of crying and eating chips and crying and chips), it's hard to completely forget what it feels like to be broken. Even though you are hanging out with someone who makes you feel amazing there is still that little bugger in the corner of your mind that pops up once and awhile and says "Hey! You're happy? That's cool! Oh PS remember what it feels like to have someone dump you? Remember how it makes your heart hurt and you feel worthless and it will take you a long frickin time to get over that person? Just reminding you have a nice day byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!". We choose to ignore that sonofabitch and forge ahead. Because love is awesome. But fear can get under your skin and make you question everything you thought you were sure of. Fear is a big dumb jerk.
Unfortunately some of us can't ignore that little guy. (I can. Heart break is like a tattoo. Or childbirth. It really hurts at the time and then you forget the pain and go get another one. Or birth another child.) That's why my realtionship ended.
And it suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Hard. Like, so very very hard. I feel like everyone is thinking "Oh that Ashley. She can't seem to keep a guy around. I wonder what's wrong with her? I bet she's crazy!! Like, she seems so normal. I KNOW!! I bet she keeps her toe nail clippings in a box and sings to them each night. What a looney toon. No wonder no one wants to be her boyfriend! Hahahahaha let's go out for cake!". (Ahahaha I just read that back and it made me laugh really hard. I don't really think my friends think that. Ok I'm like, 65% sure they don't think that.)
Someone once told me they think that maybe I fall too hard. I don't know. Maybe. But what fun is it if you don't? I love that rush of learning the amazing things about someone. Like learning their favourite movies are your favourite movies. Learning that they have the same values as you. Oh! How about that bigger rush of learning the not so good stuff and realizing that you still like them or even better, that you still love them. That despite all the baggage that some people bring along you still want to be with them. You're even willing to help them carry that baggage until they are ready to throw it away.
When you are someone like me, who loves in gallons*, you can only give 100%. Even if it hurts me in the process, I can't help but love.
I am slowly making my way out of the crying and chips faze. I am trying to figure out what I like to do. I am not going to wait for someone anymore (well I'm going to try. I can't guarantee that I'm not going to slide into the "feeling sorry for myself" faze once and awhile). I know I like to make jewelry. I like to read. I like to write this blog. I like movies. I like improv**. I like my job and I want to become better at it. So what better time to explore all this stuff than right now? I will never be this age again. I don't wanna look back and be filled regret that I didn't do the things I loved or try new things because I was too sad that I didn't have a boyfriend.
Frick I even watched a beautiful movie about love*** and I felt filled with hope instead of sadness. I know there is someone out there for me. He will be funny and smart and goofy and he will not be able to believe that I want to be with him. He will be blown away by me. Who I am. He will thank his lucky stars every night that I am the one he gets to watch American Dad with. That I am by his side through thick and thin. He will have a hard time believing that I feel the EXACT same way about him.
I guess he's just not ready for me yet. That's cool. I know when I meet him I will totally get why nothing worked out with anyone else.
Until then I shall cultivate a really important and special realtionship; the one with myself.
Ahahaha who am I, Oprah?!
xoxo Ashley
*My boss Sherry said this to me and I thought it was very awesome.
**Come see me and my improv troupe at 8pm on Mondays at the Park Theatre for our weekly improvised soap opera!! Soap Scum Presents...Estate of Affairs - on til June!
***The movie was Like Crazy. Just go watch it. I'll wait here.
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